If Broken Still Strong

September 30,  2001

12:30am

Exhausted and ready to go to bed. My back hurts too bad to lay down. Guess I’ll try a bath.

9am

It is truly a gorgeous morning! Would be nice to go to church this morning and be around people, but it is also nice just to sit here and relax.

Opened the sliding door this morning (with the screen closed of course). Sassy just loves it! All the sounds and the smells! The birds are on the ground having their breakfast. Although she is sitting a “safe” distance away from the screen.

The maintenance lady came by and opened the pool. She fished a couple of different shoes and some clothes out of the pool and threw them away. How can you not know that one of your shoes is floating in the water when you leave the pool area?

Closed the door. It was getting kind of chilly and my nose was beginning to itch. Sassy feels safe enough to go sit next to the door again. She loves looking out. And people walking by love looking at her. I hear them — “Oh, look at the cat!”

“The Cat” just decided to jump in my lap for a few minutes. She never stays long anyway, but she got down when I sneezed.

Just had an idea. BRB. It worked. I can spray a printout with sealer and the ink won’t run when it gets wet. That means I can use decoupage glue on my printouts.

3:50pm

I know Mom considers me lazy. But I am almost constantly busy! It isn’t laziness that keeps me in bed all day. It’s my depression. All she does is lay around in bed all day watching tv. If I would lay on the couch and watch tv instead of sleeping, she wouldn’t consider me as lazy. Watching tv is “doing something”. She’s upset that I’m not going to church this evening. She doesn’t understand the difference between not going because you’re busy and not going because you’re depressed. I have been busy since 8:00 this morning when she called. She got out and went to church. Then she came home and watched tv and took a nap. But I’m the one who’s lazy because I’m not getting out and going to church. (oh, and I’m especially lazy when I’m writing because then I’m not doing anything at all) God, no wonder my ideas are all warped!

11:30pm

The journal is finished. Again. I re-did everything.  Like it so much better now. Will probably change it again next month.

Don’t know what I want to write about but don’t feel like doing anything else. Maybe work on the Shrink Art book.

Sept. 29, 2001

3:55am

Sassy woke me up about 10 minutes ago. Decided to go ahead and get up now rather than in an hour when I would be dragging around. God, I love my bed! I did not want to leave my bed.

Fixed Mom’s butterfly pin. Can smell the glue even from here. Should have used E6000. Just now remembered where it is.

Made the cutest butterfly earrings last night with the gel pens. Put them on the hoops with no jump rings so they wouldn’t spin (they’re on opaque white shrink plastic — don’t want the white backs to show).  Think I’ll go ahead and color a couple more.

10:05PM

Last class day for digital design. Found some good web resources. The class makes me want to start the website back up. Restart the business. I know good design now. I know I can do it.(Not exactly this site of course, but this is personal and I’m fond of these buttons and that border.) Speaking of bad design, I’m going to stick one button all on its own in that never-moving left bar to link back to my “Calico” page. The page is “calicodarling”. Don’t know what to call the site yet. Speaking of good design, I’ve decided to update the A&M English site and submit it to them.  They may not use it, but as long as it’s got my name on it, it will be worth the effort. And give me a chance to do some good design again.

Found some of my wire so I was able to put together a new bead necklace to go with my butterfly pendant. My instructor told me my earrings looked like actual enamel. What a compliment!

Mom and Dad got into another big fight today. When Mom bought groceries she bought me pickles and water which she told Daddy to leave in the car and bring to me later. He also left some of her things in the car, including all of their meat! When he gave me my stuff he handed me the meat and said put it in the freezer. I told him of course it’s not mine (he should know that — he knows I don’t keep meat in this apartment) and where in the world did it come from? He said, “It was in the car.” I asked him “With my stuff? Has that meat been in the car since this morning? Throw that away right now!” Which he didn’t. He took it back to the house and was going to put it in
their freezer. Of course Mom saw him bring it in and right away she gets upset. She threw it away herself (thank goodness), but she was so upset about him leaving it in the car all day that she refused to eat supper. Which she had cooked just for me since the whole time I was sick I was craving gravy. Mom makes the best gravy. So I’m sitting there eating my breakfast/dinner while Mom and Dad yelled at each other. (their voices may not get extremely loud, but I call it yelling because it has extremely mean sounding undertones) Finally I grabbed my tea and Mom’s tea and said, “C’mon. We’re going in the other room now.” In her exasperated voice Mom said, “I have to clean up this kitchen.” Which in our house means “I’m ready to clear off the table right now but I have to sit here and wait for him to finish eating.” I told her no, he was going to do the dishes tonight and we’re going in here. Got her calmed down and got out of there as fast as I could.

Mom wants me to go to church tomorrow. Turns out she’s invited both the sisters. They may not show up but I’m not taking that chance. There’s no way I’m going! I’m actually still on the fence about this one. I haven’t made my “big announcement” that I’m just not doing the family thing anymore. You’d think they would have noticed something when I didn’t show up for Karen’s birthday. I’m trying to steer clear of the actual announcement and just not do the family thing. My birthday is Thanksgiving week. For Thanksgiving and Christmas I’ll show up for my expected hours and get out as soon as I can. Don’t know what to do about my birthday. I’m so used to
planning it myself. Think I’ll just tell Mom, “You set it up and tell me when to be there and I’ll be there. Oh, and I have a dr.’s appointment at 6:40.” (I do, and it’s impossible to reschedule.) So I figure there will be no birthday
party and no gifts will show up at Thanksgiving and that’s it. My birthday will be over. Welcome to 34.
Christmas is going to be harder because I will have no choice but to wait for them to show up. Don’t have a clue what to do about gifts. I worked my fingers off on all their gifts last year and not one word was said by anyone but Justin. He thanked me and was proud that I painted them myself. No one even feigned liking them. Made me want them all back to tell the truth. I figure I’ll just forge ahead and paint more Santas anyway. I really happen to enjoy painting them. And I’m getting $40-$45 worth on ceramic Santas for $7 and the price of paint. Just can’t beat that and there’s their gifts. Now to wait and see if they put them out when they bring out the Christmas
decorations.

September 28, 2001

10:45pm

I am a designer. I am an artist.

These metallic gel pens make beautiful Shrink Art.  Four new pieces for my collage. I would really like to re-do Scooby-Doo but can’t find the coloring book. One thing — it’s certainly an ecclectic collection. Need to add my Scorpion and Rose tattoos. Still haven’t designed an acceptable background. Maybe a solid print-out. The paper would be terribly warped. Maybe print onto construction paper. . . Or crackle paint onto paper. Or paint an effect on wrapping paper. I’ve been thinking bright colors: pink, blue, purple. What about gray? Best idea I’ve come up with yet: scan one of the pillows, soften it and print it on construction paper. tear into strips. Gotta try it.

11:15pm

Getting up early for class. Can’t sleep. Gonna go salt a pickle.

August 17, 2001

5:40pm

Spent the entire night working on the web site and scanning graphics. Slept for about 3 hours this morning starting at 8. Trying not to go to bed until 10pm. Am really proud of the color print-out of the family coat of arms.

9:30pm

Well, I made it through the day without sleeping.  Only I don’t want to go to sleep now either. I want to sleep through tomorrow. Headache. (maybe ’cause I’m tired?) Maybe because I can’t think straight. Not a migraine. Still irritating.

Spent all day working on this damn web site. Made the hours go by and I didn’t have to do any housework. No, that’s not what I’m avoiding. What am I avoiding? Dreams, for one thing. Can’t take the dreams. Don’t want to sleep.

I don’t like sleeping away the night anymore. You can get so much done without interruption! Then Mom has to go and call just as I’m going to sleep in the morning. Sleeping in the day is easier. Not as many shadows. Not as many dreams.

August 16, 2001

I feel like I’ve been voted out of the house.

My little Fluffy was outside in the courtyard just now chasing bugs. This is his home. I want to take him with me, but I don’t have the heart to take him away from his home.

Of course Sassy never leaves my side anymore. Petting her right now. She’s my angel. If nothing else, she keeps me going.

Got my contacts today. Looked strange when I looked in the mirror. Especially with this haircut. I’m beginning to dislike it. It’s too hard to take care of. Oh well, I’ll grow it out again.

Tony never did see it short. Guess he never will now.

Once I move I’ll find a new hairdresser. Sucks that I’ll have to pay for my color, but I’ve decided to stay blonde.

(I think Sassy purred herself to sleep.)

Need to think of a name for my journal to put it online.

Obviously

Pieces of a Broken Mind
“If broken, still strong.”

August 15, 2001

“Mom, I need you to believe in me.”
“Until you prove yourself, I can’t trust you to do anything.”

Ouch

“I know you’re going to go to school, but I don’t believe you’re going to get a job.”

What does she think I’ve been doing? I’ve gone out to fill in applications, I’ve sent out my resume, I’ve called several jobs listed in the paper. I haven’t looked for anything local.

I don’t know why they want me here close to them. They don’t want to help me, they refuse to support me. I wonder if they’ll ever realize all they’re doing is trying to control me.

Unfortunately they’re about to spend another $300 on me. It’s time for my eye exam and I’m ready to get new contacts. I should put it off, but I’ve been having trouble seeing.

Tomorrow I go for my MHMR lab work and then to the eye doctor. Daddy’s going with me to the eye doctor just in case they dilate my eyes. Dr. K. usually wants to.

It helps to have someone with you in that situation. It was helpful for me to get my bearings when Daddy drove me to campus. But he makes it so hard to appreciate when he helps me! He says, “You wouldn’t have made it without me.” and he treats me like I’ll fall apart if he’s not a few feet away.

I still want someone to be there for me. But not to pick me up and carry me around like a china doll. If I didn’t see Mom & Dad, I wouldn’t have human contact for days at a time. But when I am around them, Daddy treats me like I’m helpless and Mom hits me with every negative thing about me. (today she did tell me my hair looked nice. that was the only positive thing she said.)

I’m not helpless and I’m not a loser!

at least I don’t
want to be

I want to stand up for myself. I want to be positive and believe in myself. But I can’t look in the mirror. They’re right. It is my fault I lost all those jobs. I do fall apart at the drop of a hat. I am a loser.

And I’m lazy. I’ll do anything not to have to move. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning.

You see, I thought it was my depression. But they say I’m not depressed. They tell me my medication is working. Maybe I’m lazy because I’m so fat.

It doesn’t matter that you feel like you have no purpose. You’re supposed to get up every morning and go to work and be pleasant to the people who hate you. (oh, but, you see, they don’t really hate you. that’s just you. you’re being paranoid. it doesn’t matter what you’ve heard them say. it doesn’t matter that they don’t speak to you. in fact, if they don’t speak to you, it’s your fault. you did something wrong)

All My Fault

I do everything wrong. I’m incapable of keeping a job.

My feelings don’t matter. My fears . . . my happiness . . .my loneliness . . .all unimportant. The fact that I believe they do matter just shows how selfish and self-centered I am.

You know what? I don’t believe a word of it. Because I know what’s in my heart.

I want to believe in myself. I am not lazy and self-centered. I do want to work. I am not paranoid.

(MY FAULT)

I’m so tired of asking “Why?”.

Why does no one like me?
Why can’t
they believe in me?
Why must I be alone?
Why is it always, always my
fault?

Isn’t it possible that I have no control? I can’t control how my body reacts to stress. I can’t control the dizzy spells. I can’t control when I lose time.

I can’t.

It’s such a bad phrase. So negative. The reaction is always the same –

“You could . . .
if you really wanted
to.”

So I could have moved faster at the clinic. It didn’t matter that I was doing the work of 2 people. It was no big deal that I got to the point I couldn’t breathe. I should have moved faster.

It doesn’t matter when I get a migraine. Other people get headaches too, and they stay in. But I should go on as if the pain is not there. I should ignore the flashing lights and pretend like I really can see to drive.

I should pretend.

Smile. Act happy. Be energetic and outgoing and always on top of everything.I should pretend like I’m not depressed. I should go on about my day as though I did not spend the entire night crying and didn’t sleep. I should never want to talk about what’s bothering me. I should hold it all in and never let anyone see my pain or my fear.

“I’m sorry, but . . .”

I hate that phrase! Why be sorry? “I’m sorry” because I’m about to say something negative about you, something you don’t want to hear “but” I’m going to say it anyway because it’s what I really think about you. “I’m sorry, but . . .” there is something wrong with you and it’s up to me to point it out to you.

I’m sorry, world, but . . . I am depressed, I do get headaches, I do have panic attacks that cause me to become dizzy and light-headed. I can’t hide my depression. I can’t overlook it anymore. I can’t pretend. “I can’t, I can’t . . .” Okay, I don’t want to. I don’t want to pretend like my depression is no big deal.I am doing something. I take my medicine. I talk to (therapist). I go to group.I came away from group last time stomping all over myself. I felt guilty and little and unworthy of the time I took. I’m too needy for this particular group of people to help me. They all have their own issues. I am incapable of helping them. If I think of advice, it comes out like I’m telling them what to do.I leave sessions with (therapist) saying one of the things I hate to hear: “Not good enough.” Her advice is good and makes sense and is always the right thing to do. But just hearing it and knowing it’s true doesn’t work with me.

Mom,
What am I supposed to do about a job? If I am going to go to school, I must have a part-time job with flexible hours. I know I need to work. But if I take temp jobs, I won’t have the time or the opportunity to find something permanent.What are you going to do? You say you won’t help me if I don’t help myself. Well, in your mind, I’m not helping myself and I’ve run out of money. Once I do find a job, I can’t figure out any way I can still pay all my bills. I’m going to continue to need your help in the coming months.I still cannot make it on my own.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to turn.

I’m alone and I’m desperate and I’m depressed and I don’t see any way out.

I’m not going to be able to pay my bills — there’s no way I can save money to move. If I let Mom & Dad know I feel I need to get away from them, there’s no way they’ll help me move. If I let them know that, they’ll be so hurt they’ll probably cut me off entirely once and for all.

All I wanted was a purpose for my life. A reason to keep going. Possibly someone who cared about me. It’s not out there and I’ve run out of places to look. The best solutions I’ve come up with are unacceptable to anyone around me.The only solution to the money problem is to go out and get a full-time job. Something similar to what I was doing for (big downtown company), with equal income. Which would mean giving up school. Giving up all my dreams for what I would like to do. Giving up on myself.

I’ve kept myself awake night after lonely night struggling to find answers. I keep coming back to the same conclusions:

I can’t
I’m not good enough
I’m incapable

No one
Nothing
Nowhere to go.

Dear God, I don’t want to give up!

help me