October 5, 2001
9:40pm
Don’t know how many times I’ve picked up this journal only to put it back down again. Too much to do.
Finally did clean off the computer desk and clean up the bedroom. (Sassy’s laying on the couch asleep. She just started snoring.) I also moved the computer to the other side of the desk, so now my keyboard is in front of me. (not that it’s doing that much better for my typos)
Just put in a Loreena McKennitt CD. It has one of my favorite songs — “The Lady of Shalott”. Time to put on the incense. You just have to have that aroma with this music. Ahh. That’s more like it. Plus I love the way this chair hugs me. This furniture was just meant to be mine.
Inspired to delve into polymer clay tonight on the web. Looking at adorable sculptures of fairies and mermaids. Of course I want to do dragons. Would love to do unicorns and Pegasus. Will take some training to get the horses’ bodies down. At least I can do ceramic ones. Need to get to Angels Etc. to see what Becky has. I hope she’s doing well.
(The Lady of Shalott:
“I’m half sick of
shadows”)
The other night Daddy asked the Bible group to tell about an answered prayer. Four people said it was finding their spouse. Thank goodness no one said anything to me then, but tonight Mom did. “Maybe you should try doing what they did.”
“You think I haven’t? I did that ten years ago.”
When you say you’ve given up looking, people always say, “That’s when you find someone.” They don’t get it. A heart can only be broken so many times before it’s beyond repair. I cannot and will not “fall in love” again. Someone falling in love with me frightens me even more. Aside from Tony and Dan who both said they were never in love with me at all, the ONLY guys who have been attracted to me are guys that should be avoided at all costs. Every one of them potential stalkers — and one of them actually was. The only one I actually dated threatened to kill himself when I broke up with him. My response was, “Fine, if that’s what it takes to get you out of my life!” Never occurred to me back then that he might take me with him.
No — I won’t have anything to do with that again, thank you very much.
Of course after this many years, all Mom’s family thinks I’m gay. Why can’t people understand that total independence is more important to me than some kind of sexual relationship? Because, c’mon, if there’s nothing sexual and no attraction, it’s called “friendship”. Nowthat I’m interested in. But of course add in the fact that me and Sassy are set in our ways and not about to change to accommodate someone else. Why do you think I don’t have a roommate? Would love the company but no one else would put up with us.
Do I protest too much? I apparently don’t protest enough or in the right way.
I have very little independence as it is. I am learning to loathe having to do something or compromise myself for no other reason than to keep someone else happy.
Ahh. New CD playing — Celtic Treasure — new incense burning. Okay, Mom thinks I should pray to find someone? “Lord bring me someone who likes this as much as I do, won’t ever make me compromise and who won’t
break my heart.” There is no one who could fit that and I know it. Tony was the only one who came close and he broke my heart. He irreparably broke my heart.
I need to find happiness inside myself, not in someone else. (damn, all I need now is a wine cooler. so much better than soda. but I don’t pay for my own groceries so I have no say in what goes in the fridge)