October 3, 2001
2PM
Didn’t sleep again last night. Slept a couple of hours this morning. MHMR appointment today then I have to go to Mom’s. Neighbor has her tv on too loud (my ceiling is vibrating) so I turned on some music. Listening to Gibbon. Miss him. Not that I’ve been able to get back to Scarborough but I wish he would come back. Every year I can’t get anyone to go with me. Went a few years ago by myself but that didn’t work out too well. Just couldn’t sit through the shows by myself. So tired of doing everything by myself.
Gibbon just reminded me:
The past is but a mirror
to place in front of
fear.
8:30pm
I am burning up I am so upset! I can feel the heat coming off my skin. I actually went out to eat with Mom and Dad. That wasn’t so bad. But then they convinced me to stay at the house for Weds. night Bible study. I have never been so insulted by a prayer in all my life! The old ignorant man who said the final prayer at the end of the evening insulted and put down every person he was asked to pray for and then he started in on other religions. The moment he started I could tell he was going to ramble on so I timed him. He went on for over 10 minutes! I usually ignore this particular type of prayer but this was too bad for words! I simply do not believe in “laundry list” prayers. (and God bless Mommy and God bless Daddy and God bless the President and God bless the mailman . . .) In doing all that, this man asked for blessing for his ” fat daughter” and went on about how she could really lose weight if she wanted to but she still had all that “beef” (his word, not mine) on her, and the prayer just went downhill from there. Aside from dealing with that man, Daddy announced he has decided God is telling him he should not be doing massage. He said he was being a “braggart” and not putting God first while he was in school, so now God doesn’t want him doing it at all. Now that he’s finished school, been through the state test, and received his insurance he’s not going to work at all. Which puts Mom back on my back to get a job.
This is too much for me. One day she says don’t worry about working, just put school first and the next day it’s “go out and get a full time job!” This is why I’m not sleeping.
Went to MHMR today. Told her how bad I feel. I thought I did. She asked me on a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is my depression? I told her 9 1/2. She said, “That’s bordering on hospitalization. That’s when you start thinking about suicide.” and I said, “Yes. Every day.” Then she said, “Well you’re still functioning so you’re doing okay.”Functioning? How? I’ve lost 2 jobs because I couldn’t wake up. I couldn’t wake up because of my depression. Right now I’m as hyper as any manic I’ve ever known. Anything is going to throw me into a frenzy. That stupid old man made me want to jump up and hit him tonight. (I actually did lunge forward but I caught myself.) Okay, so I’m doing okay because I didn’t hit him. I didn’t lash out. I just left as soon as “polite society” would allow. (can’t just get up, grab your things and walk out during the middle of a prayer, no matter how long — it just isn’t done)
I shouldn’t have allowed myself to become that upset! I am surrounded by those people and I blow them off all the time. Okay, maybe I didn’t lash out. But I am seething inside — and holding it in. Is that any better?
I’ve shifted into auto-pilot. (for those who don’t know Ghost is autopilot) I do what I’m told and try to stay out of trouble by avoiding it all together.
But I’m breaking. The slightest little thing could set me off and I don’t know which way it’s going to go. How can I sleep? There are decisions to be made here — big decisions. And I’m not thinking too clear — just listen to some of the things I’ve been saying! Total nonsense!
Okay Kathy, get it together.
Number one: School is priority.
Why? Just where do I think it’s going to take me? (therapist) asked me going in — What if you get to the end of it and discover this isn’t what you want to either?
The thing is — I know. I know what I want to do. And what I’m learning could easily be a part of that.
Two things:
- Business, and
- To create
They are what keeps me going. I get up in the morning thinking “What can I create today? What new design will I discover?” and if I can’t create, I don’t get up at all. I’m creating right now. Writing is creating.
Creating thoughts.
Conveying my creation.
My mind creates.
Design conveys.
Business
Not business management. I firmly believe many companies need to throw management out and just let the people do their work. Good management, no. But there’s not that much good management out there.
No I mean business. Going out there, finding a need and filling that need. OR even better — creating a need.
Having 10 different people in an accounting office generate 10 different reports on one account, and all reports say the exact same thing, is not filling a need. That was my job at (big downtown company). One man would generate a report — give me a print-out of his report — I would plug his numbers into my computer for my own report — if my totals matched his, I would print it out and send it on to the next woman whose report was
just like mine in a different format. I could have easily set up a database that would output all those numbers for each report from just one file. And it all came down to “this much money moved into or out of this account yesterday.” No one analyzed any of it, checked it against other days activity or used it in any way. “Hey, my numbers matched . . .I did my job . . . file it and do it again tomorrow.” No one ever even looked at it. But, hey, they were a multi-million dollar company . . .who am I to say it’s bad business? I just knew it was a waste of my time.
Waste of my Time
Going to work is a waste of my time. Sleeping is a waste of my time. Putting on make-up is a waste of my time. Coloring Shrink Art is not a waste of my time. Especially now. My Shrink Art has a purpose. Which gives me a purpose.
Okay, so what else can my rambling mind come up with?
Right now I’m wondering why I bother to edit this at all? No one’s reading it. That email link might as well stay dormant. I’m not writing for an invisible audience, I’m writing for a nonexistent one. Okay, here’s a good
one. Just look at my handwriting! No, wait! You can’t! This is all typed!
It’s after midnight. Continue on tomorrow with this one long meandering thought . . .