October 1, 2001
12:10AM
There — now it’s October 1st, so I can officially start using the new calendar. I’ve been doing it again. Cleaning. I don’t know what possesses me sometimes. I even put all my colors away. And I completely cleaned off the kitchen counters. What’s wrong with me?
I spent a large part of the day yesterday cleaning too. Last night after I washed my face I even cleaned the bathroom sink and counter. What’s next? The computer desk?
email:
Hey!
Dear [...],
What’s the reason you’re not talking to me? Is this it — are we not friends anymore? Could you call me and tell me? Or reply to this email? Want to hear from you.
Will mail it in a couple of days when my neww dial-up account is set up.
This is it. I have no one. Mom and Dad are totally warped.
(Mommy’s alright
Daddy’s alright
They just
seem a little bit weird
Surrender
Surrender
But don’t give yourself
away)
Star Touch Designs
What makes my company
different?
The diversity of unique and original handmade items.
(long boring business plan)
2:30AM
Don’t want to go to bed. Enjoying my private time. Enjoying the quiet and the solitude and the fact that I’m deciding what I do.
First thing in the morning it will be Mom’s time. Calling me every few minutes. Telling me what to do, when, and in what order. Deciding what time I wake up, when I eat and when I have to be at the house. Directing my day.
That’s what I enjoyed about Sunday. I decided what I did all day — I didn’t have to do what she told me to do.
3:40pm
Sure enough, Mom called me at 8:00 this morning to get me up. She’s still upset over not being able to dictate my day yesterday. She said very sarcastically (picture her throwing her hands up in the air) “Do whatever you want to do. I can’t make you do anything!” Not for lack of trying Mom. Hey, I just thought of a way out of going over there tonight!
10:50pm
It worked! I just told Mom my allergies were too bad to go outside. Which is the truth. Saturday my eyes were watering and itchy every time I got in the car.
Good news! Daddy finally got his insurance so he can start doing massage now. We were beginning to think he wasn’t going to do anything. He kept saying he wasn’t ready to start massage — that he wasn’t good enough. (wonder where I get it from?) He’s going back to the massage school to work as a graduate. Now maybe he and Mom will stop fighting all the time. Now it’s not so urgent that I go to work.
Mom is right. I sometimes don’t want to go to work right now. I go and I say to myself — This is it? This is my reason for getting up in the morning? And it isn’t worth it. That’s what happened at (big downtown company) (Ex-co-worker) had been there for 5 years. And I thought –This is what I’m going to do for the next 5 years and longer? I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stay one more day.
Working your tail off for someone else should not be the end-all – be-all of your life. That’s what Daddy did. He was so lost when the plant shut down. That was all he’d ever done for the last thirty-something years. That was all he knew. And he was the best at what he did. That’s his problem now. He’s not the best so he doesn’t want to do it at all.